2015

I've neglected this blog for far too long. Not for a lack of things to make entries about, but because I was so busy spending every minute with someone who means the world to me. I was also making up for a lot of lost time with family and friends.

You see, over the course of my marriage (8 years), I somehow managed to lose myself. I hated myself, had little self-worth, had no dreams, had no career, had nothing to be proud of. I was a wife. That's it. I believed if I didn't have "him", I had/was nothing. He didn't exactly do anything to make me feel otherwise, either. When we moved back here in 2010, he didn't work much, and I picked up the slack. I left a job I was extremely comfortable in to try to move us further in life by starting a better paying job. I did well, ended up being brought on permanently, and I was excited. Looking back, he never really shared in my excitements with me, as there was always something we STILL couldn't afford to him. No matter what it wasn't enough, and after we bought a house together, apparently I was no longer enough, either. Whatever. I blamed myself for everything, and he let me. I told myself I could have gotten a better job, made more money, gotten him a better car, found him a better job, worried less, done more...I kept on this way, beating myself up in the end until it was just a ridiculous ocean of self-hatred and blame. That is, until the day I started talking to the cousin of a friend...

My friend Corie text me one night, and told me he had been talking to his cousin about me. He said he thought we'd be really good for each other, seeing as his cousin had been through a hurtful divorce, and I was in the midst of one myself. I told him the last thing I needed was to start talking to another younger guy; I was trying desperately to get away from one. He told me to just give him a try and if nothing else, I could make a new friend. I reluctantly agreed, giving him the green light to pass my phone number on to allow for texting. That night was the start of a beautiful thing.

In a matter of weeks, Shawn had me happier and more confident than I had been in a very long time. I was looking forward to waking up in the morning, and excited to hear my text alerts go off. He was a great friend to me, and by Valentine's Day, we made it official. We celebrated our first holiday as a couple (Easter), he helped me through a break-in at the house (we knew who did it but the police couldn't prove it), he helped me say a final goodbye to my beloved uncle, he supported me at my divorce hearing, and we ended up moving in together. Every single thing feels right with him. He understands me already, he builds me up, he celebrates my victories, he lets me lean on him when I need to, he takes care of me more than I think need, he sees a future with me and says it is long & bright. In response I take care of him, I'm there for him when he is happy & when he is sad, I celebrate any victory with him possible, I encourage him and I give him confidence. We make one hell of a team, and the relationship is still young. Most importantly, I love him so much. 

The love I have for him makes me question what I thought was love before. I think I cared for my ex, but it was more of a caregiver thing...Like, I was worried that if I didn't take care of him, that no one else would. This is a relationship between two mature, hard working adults who have life goals and are highly motivated. My family all think the world of him, for real this time. They said they would be much more critical this time around, but so far are completely happy with him. They thank him constantly for giving them "the real Nicole back". It's heartwarming, really!!

I will be meeting Shawn's parents soon, and I'm as nervous as I am excited. I look forward to the trip with him though, and hope all goes well!!!