Hurt

I woke up this morning with a heavy heart. A lot of things are catching up with me today, and I am having a hard time dealing with it all. I cried this morning with the overwhelming feeling of sadness. So much loss this year. There is a big loss ahead. Despite having a good job, friends & a family that loves me, I feel like I am a failure. I work long hours, tons of overtime, and have nothing really to show for it.

I live in a beautiful house, but I struggle to pay bills. I love my husband with every fiber of my being, but the feelings are no longer mutual. I spent the past 8 years trying so hard to be the perfect wife, that I don't even know who I am anymore. I am very good at making people happy. I have become dependant on feeling needed, on feeling wanted.

I have lost a considerable amount of weight, whether it be due to stress or not eating enough. I originally thought my new found confidence was my smaller size, but I think the attention I have been getting lately is what I enjoy. A feeling of being wanted and desired. Knowing I am thought about, wanted... I don't know... It isn't that Ryan doesn't want me in that way, I just know that will be coming to an end when he leaves.  With everything falling apart, I am terrified of being alone. Sleeping alone makes me sad. I know Captain is still there, but it isn't the same.

I know I need to move on. I have been trying really hard lately to care less about how many girls Ryan talks to on a daily basis. It has been working for the most part, but it still hurts. It hurts to know that despite my best efforts, I am not enough. I am not new & exciting. I could list all the things I'm not, but there isn't enough time in a day for that. I am not perfect, no matter how hard I have tried. I make mistakes, bad decisions, pick fights I don't really need to, I care too much & I love too hard. I probably am a large part of where the marriage went wrong, but I guess I will never really know.

All I want is happiness for us both. If he cannot be happy as my husband, I wish him happiness in whatever it is that WOULD make him happiest. I can work on figuring out how to be happy without him later. I am sure my amazing family & equally amazing friends can help me on my own journey...

Clusterfuck

My thoughts are racing. My head is spinning and pounding. Most of my time is spent searching for answers where there are none to find. I am getting better at removing myself from situations emotionally. I wish to find peace, yet I am constantly full of turmoil. I am usually pretty good at keeping my tears at bay, but some nights I find comfort in the feeling of them streaming down my face, washing any pain away with them.

I hate feeling weak. I hate feeling like my whole world is ending. I am dreading Thursday. I have no idea what the day will bring. I hope to have some happiness and to enjoy my day off. I guess we will just have to see...