I can't believe Autumn is already upon us!! This is actually my favorite time of year. I love hot apple cider, cool nights, crisp mornings, wearing hoodies, baking goodies and crock pot/casserole cooking!! I can't wait to go apple picking and turn our findings into delicious goodies...It goes without saying that an increase in gym trips is in order, to make up for all the comfort food I'll be consuming until Spring, hahaha...
October is shaping up to be an exciting month; name change hearing, fairs, woodsman comp, my sister's birthday, Halloween, apple picking...Ugh, SO much to look forward to and be happy about! Not only that, but finally getting serious about the house refinance and such...I'll be glad when that part is over at least, not even gonna lie...It will be SO nice when it's done though!!
Saturday, October 3, 2015
Thursday, May 14, 2015
Ink therapy
I understand that tattoos are not for everyone. Whether you think they are trashy, a waste of money, etc, that's you're opinion and you are entitled to that. For me, it's the only thing you buy that you actually keep forever & that follows you to the grave. Some people might get tattoos just for the sake of doing it, but every piece of work I have has a specific meaning to it. Allow me to elaborate...
The very first tattoo I got was when I was 18. I went to Hobo's in Portsmouth with my best friend & her fiancee (at the time...Turned out to be a wicked loser), and we both picked out designs. She got a flower tattoo on her lower back, and I got a single pink star in the same location. Pink is my favorite color, and my favorite shape is the star. Both are things I shouldn't randomly ever hate. After watching her scream, jump & nearly tap out of her tattoo, I was insanely nervous when it was my turn. I held my breath when the tattoo gun started, but that was it. It wasn't painful really at all, and the end result let me with something cute that I really liked. I actually ended up going back to Hobo's a short time later with another friend and I got two more pink stars; one on either side of the first. I like looking at the stars at night to relax, so why not slap a couple more on myself??
My next tattoo was a long time after my first two tattoo appointments. In 2008, one of my grandfathers (who typically never got sick) came down with what seemed to be a never-ending cold. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and began treatment immediately. He also had the early stages of liver cancer, but the real problem was the pancreatic cancer. Within the span of six months, he was diagnosed, treated and ultimately passed away from his pancreatic cancer. It all seemed to come out of nowhere, and was extremely upsetting. Much like the majority of my mom's immediate family, we stayed in the hospital with him 24/7. I watched him take his last breath, and I will never forget that. I wanted to honor him and have a visible, lasting reminder of him. What better way than with a tattoo?!? I made an appointment at Hobo's, and got it done less than a month after his passing. Fun fact, my grandmother on my mom's side hates tattoos with a passion. Well, when I showed her what I had done, she broke down in tears and told me that she loved it. We cried together, and decided that my grandfather would have loved it as well.
Another loss in '08 that I wanted to use as tattoo inspiration came with the sudden passing of my first dog. She was like a child to me, and I was extremely heartbroken when my father told me he had to have her put to sleep. I never even got to say goodbye, other than the snuggles I got in before work that morning. I wanted something special, so I made an appointment at Hobo's with their new tattoo artist. He did an amazing job, and it was his first time doing a portrait! I love the end result, and my only regret is that I didn't have it placed in a spot that I could see it more often.
I was unable to save up for new ink until a few years later. Out of the blue, I came up with an idea that I completely fell in love with. My grandmother had made a comment to me at the Christmas after my grandfather had passed, that shattered my heart into a million tiny pieces. I was bummed that I was without my (then) husband on Christmas, on top of it being the first Christmas without my grandfather. I sat on the couch next to my grandmother, and she said to me, "At least you only have to wait a few weeks to be back with the one you love. I have to die to see mine again..." Feeling my eyes sting with tears, I went out to the car and cried for a bit. I felt bad that she was hurting so bad, and the one person who could make it all better was no longer with us. It was then that I decided to at least let them live on together on my body.
My grandmother, for as long as I can remember, gave me stargazer lilies from her garden for my birthday. They were huge, pink and smelled great. It also just-so-happened that they bloomed on my actual birthday. So, to represent my grandmother and her forever gift to me, I went to MaineLine Ink and got an amazing stargazer lily tattooed below the pancreatic cancer ribbon I had done year before for my grandfather's passing. Pictures do the tattoo no justice. It has been commented as being beautiful, tasteful and classy, to name just a few things I have been told. I showed my grandmother, and explained the meaning to her. She told me it "wasn't fair" because I got it for such a beautiful reason, that she couldn't even begin to hate it. I like to consider that a decent victory!
I didn't get a tattoo for quite a while after that. A lot of things changed in my life. Good things in the beginning, then bad, then worse, and then even worse still. I was pushed to my limit mentally, morally, emotionally, financially and even physically. The bright spot for me came when I met Shawn. Parts of my previously known world still seemed to be falling apart around me, but I started to care less about it. Shawn was my best friend, my rock, my constant. When we met, it was obvious to me that I needed to spend more time with him, and get to know him better. We both fell hard & fast, and made it official on Valentine's Day. We haven't looked back! I started getting really wanting a tattoo to capture how crazy things were & how level I stayed throughout all of it. I wanted something simple, but not overdone. I already knew I wanted to go back to MaineLine (they are for sure the only place I care to get tattoos now), I just needed to make up my damn mind! I searched and searched, and still wasn't sure what I wanted to do. I had originally had a tattoo idea when I was going through the divorce, but when things got really bad with the ex, I knew I could no longer go through with the original plan. I wanted something that reminded me of the struggles, but nothing that immediately made me think of the ex. I was Googling with little luck, when I came across the meaning of wave tattoos. It was as follows, "A wave tattoo represents great, humongous strength that remains calm & composed until it is provoked to react. It is a classic representation of inner strength & outer peace." It was absolutely perfect, and I was sold! It just so happened that the newer artist at MaineLine had JUST done a watercolor style tattoo, and that was the style I had decided on. I sent her a message and a rough idea of what I was looking for, and she translated that into a watercolor tattoo for me. I approved the design and got inked that weekend.
This is by far the most emotional tattoo for me. Despite the lies, cheating, stealing, mind games, the terrifying few weeks when strangers from the psych ward were moved into my house, the uncertainty of how all the bills would be covered, the emotional abuse, etc, I stayed as calm as possible. The only time I really lost my cool was during a text fight after the divorce was final. I was told I "never did anything to save the marriage", which was the biggest crock of shit I had ever heard. I let it all out, and became an emotional mess. After that, I regained my composure, apologized to Shawn for the meltdown, and went on with my life. The wave tattoo symbolism could not be any more perfect! I can't help but stare at it, and be proud of where I am and how far I have come. Once again, I can't wait to see what the future holds :)
The very first tattoo I got was when I was 18. I went to Hobo's in Portsmouth with my best friend & her fiancee (at the time...Turned out to be a wicked loser), and we both picked out designs. She got a flower tattoo on her lower back, and I got a single pink star in the same location. Pink is my favorite color, and my favorite shape is the star. Both are things I shouldn't randomly ever hate. After watching her scream, jump & nearly tap out of her tattoo, I was insanely nervous when it was my turn. I held my breath when the tattoo gun started, but that was it. It wasn't painful really at all, and the end result let me with something cute that I really liked. I actually ended up going back to Hobo's a short time later with another friend and I got two more pink stars; one on either side of the first. I like looking at the stars at night to relax, so why not slap a couple more on myself??
My next tattoo was a long time after my first two tattoo appointments. In 2008, one of my grandfathers (who typically never got sick) came down with what seemed to be a never-ending cold. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and began treatment immediately. He also had the early stages of liver cancer, but the real problem was the pancreatic cancer. Within the span of six months, he was diagnosed, treated and ultimately passed away from his pancreatic cancer. It all seemed to come out of nowhere, and was extremely upsetting. Much like the majority of my mom's immediate family, we stayed in the hospital with him 24/7. I watched him take his last breath, and I will never forget that. I wanted to honor him and have a visible, lasting reminder of him. What better way than with a tattoo?!? I made an appointment at Hobo's, and got it done less than a month after his passing. Fun fact, my grandmother on my mom's side hates tattoos with a passion. Well, when I showed her what I had done, she broke down in tears and told me that she loved it. We cried together, and decided that my grandfather would have loved it as well.
Another loss in '08 that I wanted to use as tattoo inspiration came with the sudden passing of my first dog. She was like a child to me, and I was extremely heartbroken when my father told me he had to have her put to sleep. I never even got to say goodbye, other than the snuggles I got in before work that morning. I wanted something special, so I made an appointment at Hobo's with their new tattoo artist. He did an amazing job, and it was his first time doing a portrait! I love the end result, and my only regret is that I didn't have it placed in a spot that I could see it more often.
I was unable to save up for new ink until a few years later. Out of the blue, I came up with an idea that I completely fell in love with. My grandmother had made a comment to me at the Christmas after my grandfather had passed, that shattered my heart into a million tiny pieces. I was bummed that I was without my (then) husband on Christmas, on top of it being the first Christmas without my grandfather. I sat on the couch next to my grandmother, and she said to me, "At least you only have to wait a few weeks to be back with the one you love. I have to die to see mine again..." Feeling my eyes sting with tears, I went out to the car and cried for a bit. I felt bad that she was hurting so bad, and the one person who could make it all better was no longer with us. It was then that I decided to at least let them live on together on my body.
My grandmother, for as long as I can remember, gave me stargazer lilies from her garden for my birthday. They were huge, pink and smelled great. It also just-so-happened that they bloomed on my actual birthday. So, to represent my grandmother and her forever gift to me, I went to MaineLine Ink and got an amazing stargazer lily tattooed below the pancreatic cancer ribbon I had done year before for my grandfather's passing. Pictures do the tattoo no justice. It has been commented as being beautiful, tasteful and classy, to name just a few things I have been told. I showed my grandmother, and explained the meaning to her. She told me it "wasn't fair" because I got it for such a beautiful reason, that she couldn't even begin to hate it. I like to consider that a decent victory!
I didn't get a tattoo for quite a while after that. A lot of things changed in my life. Good things in the beginning, then bad, then worse, and then even worse still. I was pushed to my limit mentally, morally, emotionally, financially and even physically. The bright spot for me came when I met Shawn. Parts of my previously known world still seemed to be falling apart around me, but I started to care less about it. Shawn was my best friend, my rock, my constant. When we met, it was obvious to me that I needed to spend more time with him, and get to know him better. We both fell hard & fast, and made it official on Valentine's Day. We haven't looked back! I started getting really wanting a tattoo to capture how crazy things were & how level I stayed throughout all of it. I wanted something simple, but not overdone. I already knew I wanted to go back to MaineLine (they are for sure the only place I care to get tattoos now), I just needed to make up my damn mind! I searched and searched, and still wasn't sure what I wanted to do. I had originally had a tattoo idea when I was going through the divorce, but when things got really bad with the ex, I knew I could no longer go through with the original plan. I wanted something that reminded me of the struggles, but nothing that immediately made me think of the ex. I was Googling with little luck, when I came across the meaning of wave tattoos. It was as follows, "A wave tattoo represents great, humongous strength that remains calm & composed until it is provoked to react. It is a classic representation of inner strength & outer peace." It was absolutely perfect, and I was sold! It just so happened that the newer artist at MaineLine had JUST done a watercolor style tattoo, and that was the style I had decided on. I sent her a message and a rough idea of what I was looking for, and she translated that into a watercolor tattoo for me. I approved the design and got inked that weekend.
This is by far the most emotional tattoo for me. Despite the lies, cheating, stealing, mind games, the terrifying few weeks when strangers from the psych ward were moved into my house, the uncertainty of how all the bills would be covered, the emotional abuse, etc, I stayed as calm as possible. The only time I really lost my cool was during a text fight after the divorce was final. I was told I "never did anything to save the marriage", which was the biggest crock of shit I had ever heard. I let it all out, and became an emotional mess. After that, I regained my composure, apologized to Shawn for the meltdown, and went on with my life. The wave tattoo symbolism could not be any more perfect! I can't help but stare at it, and be proud of where I am and how far I have come. Once again, I can't wait to see what the future holds :)
Thursday, April 30, 2015
Spring is coming...
The ridiculous winter appears to be over, finally! I didn't think it would ever end...The cold temps were bad enough, but the continuous stream of snow storms producing significant snowfall was just too much. We got over 3 feet in ONE storm! I'm happy that all the snow on the property is finally gone, as of 2 weeks ago. I can't wait for the grass to get more green, the trees to bloom, and the flowers to start sprouting. Such a great time of year!! I also can't wait for us to take down some trees! It will look so much better :)
The daunting task of trying to refinance, or at least formulate a plan of attack for it, is currently underway. Very, very stressful! I really hope it can work out, because I absolutely do not want to sell our home! We still have a list of projects to do starting shortly, so that will be a good way to keep our minds off of the refinance for a bit. We are very eager to make the house our own, and really make it reflect our personalities. The master bedroom makeover was the first project, and it came out amazing! If that is any indication as to how the rest of our changes go, this place is going to be perfect in no time.
Soon I will be filing the papers & paying the fee necessary to change my name back to my maiden one. I absolutely cannot wait, and either can Shawn. I never thought not having my maiden name again would bother me, but I have come to HATE it. Hopefully it is a quick & painless process!
The daunting task of trying to refinance, or at least formulate a plan of attack for it, is currently underway. Very, very stressful! I really hope it can work out, because I absolutely do not want to sell our home! We still have a list of projects to do starting shortly, so that will be a good way to keep our minds off of the refinance for a bit. We are very eager to make the house our own, and really make it reflect our personalities. The master bedroom makeover was the first project, and it came out amazing! If that is any indication as to how the rest of our changes go, this place is going to be perfect in no time.
Soon I will be filing the papers & paying the fee necessary to change my name back to my maiden one. I absolutely cannot wait, and either can Shawn. I never thought not having my maiden name again would bother me, but I have come to HATE it. Hopefully it is a quick & painless process!
Monday, January 26, 2015
2015
I've neglected this blog for far too long. Not for a lack of things to make entries about, but because I was so busy spending every minute with someone who means the world to me. I was also making up for a lot of lost time with family and friends.
You see, over the course of my marriage (8 years), I somehow managed to lose myself. I hated myself, had little self-worth, had no dreams, had no career, had nothing to be proud of. I was a wife. That's it. I believed if I didn't have "him", I had/was nothing. He didn't exactly do anything to make me feel otherwise, either. When we moved back here in 2010, he didn't work much, and I picked up the slack. I left a job I was extremely comfortable in to try to move us further in life by starting a better paying job. I did well, ended up being brought on permanently, and I was excited. Looking back, he never really shared in my excitements with me, as there was always something we STILL couldn't afford to him. No matter what it wasn't enough, and after we bought a house together, apparently I was no longer enough, either. Whatever. I blamed myself for everything, and he let me. I told myself I could have gotten a better job, made more money, gotten him a better car, found him a better job, worried less, done more...I kept on this way, beating myself up in the end until it was just a ridiculous ocean of self-hatred and blame. That is, until the day I started talking to the cousin of a friend...
My friend Corie text me one night, and told me he had been talking to his cousin about me. He said he thought we'd be really good for each other, seeing as his cousin had been through a hurtful divorce, and I was in the midst of one myself. I told him the last thing I needed was to start talking to another younger guy; I was trying desperately to get away from one. He told me to just give him a try and if nothing else, I could make a new friend. I reluctantly agreed, giving him the green light to pass my phone number on to allow for texting. That night was the start of a beautiful thing.
In a matter of weeks, Shawn had me happier and more confident than I had been in a very long time. I was looking forward to waking up in the morning, and excited to hear my text alerts go off. He was a great friend to me, and by Valentine's Day, we made it official. We celebrated our first holiday as a couple (Easter), he helped me through a break-in at the house (we knew who did it but the police couldn't prove it), he helped me say a final goodbye to my beloved uncle, he supported me at my divorce hearing, and we ended up moving in together. Every single thing feels right with him. He understands me already, he builds me up, he celebrates my victories, he lets me lean on him when I need to, he takes care of me more than I think need, he sees a future with me and says it is long & bright. In response I take care of him, I'm there for him when he is happy & when he is sad, I celebrate any victory with him possible, I encourage him and I give him confidence. We make one hell of a team, and the relationship is still young. Most importantly, I love him so much.
The love I have for him makes me question what I thought was love before. I think I cared for my ex, but it was more of a caregiver thing...Like, I was worried that if I didn't take care of him, that no one else would. This is a relationship between two mature, hard working adults who have life goals and are highly motivated. My family all think the world of him, for real this time. They said they would be much more critical this time around, but so far are completely happy with him. They thank him constantly for giving them "the real Nicole back". It's heartwarming, really!!
I will be meeting Shawn's parents soon, and I'm as nervous as I am excited. I look forward to the trip with him though, and hope all goes well!!!
You see, over the course of my marriage (8 years), I somehow managed to lose myself. I hated myself, had little self-worth, had no dreams, had no career, had nothing to be proud of. I was a wife. That's it. I believed if I didn't have "him", I had/was nothing. He didn't exactly do anything to make me feel otherwise, either. When we moved back here in 2010, he didn't work much, and I picked up the slack. I left a job I was extremely comfortable in to try to move us further in life by starting a better paying job. I did well, ended up being brought on permanently, and I was excited. Looking back, he never really shared in my excitements with me, as there was always something we STILL couldn't afford to him. No matter what it wasn't enough, and after we bought a house together, apparently I was no longer enough, either. Whatever. I blamed myself for everything, and he let me. I told myself I could have gotten a better job, made more money, gotten him a better car, found him a better job, worried less, done more...I kept on this way, beating myself up in the end until it was just a ridiculous ocean of self-hatred and blame. That is, until the day I started talking to the cousin of a friend...
My friend Corie text me one night, and told me he had been talking to his cousin about me. He said he thought we'd be really good for each other, seeing as his cousin had been through a hurtful divorce, and I was in the midst of one myself. I told him the last thing I needed was to start talking to another younger guy; I was trying desperately to get away from one. He told me to just give him a try and if nothing else, I could make a new friend. I reluctantly agreed, giving him the green light to pass my phone number on to allow for texting. That night was the start of a beautiful thing.
In a matter of weeks, Shawn had me happier and more confident than I had been in a very long time. I was looking forward to waking up in the morning, and excited to hear my text alerts go off. He was a great friend to me, and by Valentine's Day, we made it official. We celebrated our first holiday as a couple (Easter), he helped me through a break-in at the house (we knew who did it but the police couldn't prove it), he helped me say a final goodbye to my beloved uncle, he supported me at my divorce hearing, and we ended up moving in together. Every single thing feels right with him. He understands me already, he builds me up, he celebrates my victories, he lets me lean on him when I need to, he takes care of me more than I think need, he sees a future with me and says it is long & bright. In response I take care of him, I'm there for him when he is happy & when he is sad, I celebrate any victory with him possible, I encourage him and I give him confidence. We make one hell of a team, and the relationship is still young. Most importantly, I love him so much.
The love I have for him makes me question what I thought was love before. I think I cared for my ex, but it was more of a caregiver thing...Like, I was worried that if I didn't take care of him, that no one else would. This is a relationship between two mature, hard working adults who have life goals and are highly motivated. My family all think the world of him, for real this time. They said they would be much more critical this time around, but so far are completely happy with him. They thank him constantly for giving them "the real Nicole back". It's heartwarming, really!!
I will be meeting Shawn's parents soon, and I'm as nervous as I am excited. I look forward to the trip with him though, and hope all goes well!!!
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