I woke up this morning with a heavy heart. A lot of things are catching up with me today, and I am having a hard time dealing with it all. I cried this morning with the overwhelming feeling of sadness. So much loss this year. There is a big loss ahead. Despite having a good job, friends & a family that loves me, I feel like I am a failure. I work long hours, tons of overtime, and have nothing really to show for it.
I live in a beautiful house, but I struggle to pay bills. I love my husband with every fiber of my being, but the feelings are no longer mutual. I spent the past 8 years trying so hard to be the perfect wife, that I don't even know who I am anymore. I am very good at making people happy. I have become dependant on feeling needed, on feeling wanted.
I have lost a considerable amount of weight, whether it be due to stress or not eating enough. I originally thought my new found confidence was my smaller size, but I think the attention I have been getting lately is what I enjoy. A feeling of being wanted and desired. Knowing I am thought about, wanted... I don't know... It isn't that Ryan doesn't want me in that way, I just know that will be coming to an end when he leaves. With everything falling apart, I am terrified of being alone. Sleeping alone makes me sad. I know Captain is still there, but it isn't the same.
I know I need to move on. I have been trying really hard lately to care less about how many girls Ryan talks to on a daily basis. It has been working for the most part, but it still hurts. It hurts to know that despite my best efforts, I am not enough. I am not new & exciting. I could list all the things I'm not, but there isn't enough time in a day for that. I am not perfect, no matter how hard I have tried. I make mistakes, bad decisions, pick fights I don't really need to, I care too much & I love too hard. I probably am a large part of where the marriage went wrong, but I guess I will never really know.
All I want is happiness for us both. If he cannot be happy as my husband, I wish him happiness in whatever it is that WOULD make him happiest. I can work on figuring out how to be happy without him later. I am sure my amazing family & equally amazing friends can help me on my own journey...