I woke up this morning with a heavy heart. A lot of things are catching up with me today, and I am having a hard time dealing with it all. I cried this morning with the overwhelming feeling of sadness. So much loss this year. There is a big loss ahead. Despite having a good job, friends & a family that loves me, I feel like I am a failure. I work long hours, tons of overtime, and have nothing really to show for it.
I live in a beautiful house, but I struggle to pay bills. I love my husband with every fiber of my being, but the feelings are no longer mutual. I spent the past 8 years trying so hard to be the perfect wife, that I don't even know who I am anymore. I am very good at making people happy. I have become dependant on feeling needed, on feeling wanted.
I have lost a considerable amount of weight, whether it be due to stress or not eating enough. I originally thought my new found confidence was my smaller size, but I think the attention I have been getting lately is what I enjoy. A feeling of being wanted and desired. Knowing I am thought about, wanted... I don't know... It isn't that Ryan doesn't want me in that way, I just know that will be coming to an end when he leaves. With everything falling apart, I am terrified of being alone. Sleeping alone makes me sad. I know Captain is still there, but it isn't the same.
I know I need to move on. I have been trying really hard lately to care less about how many girls Ryan talks to on a daily basis. It has been working for the most part, but it still hurts. It hurts to know that despite my best efforts, I am not enough. I am not new & exciting. I could list all the things I'm not, but there isn't enough time in a day for that. I am not perfect, no matter how hard I have tried. I make mistakes, bad decisions, pick fights I don't really need to, I care too much & I love too hard. I probably am a large part of where the marriage went wrong, but I guess I will never really know.
All I want is happiness for us both. If he cannot be happy as my husband, I wish him happiness in whatever it is that WOULD make him happiest. I can work on figuring out how to be happy without him later. I am sure my amazing family & equally amazing friends can help me on my own journey...
Reading this made me incredibly sad. I think you're an amazing person, and I am sure anyone who meets you thinks the same thing. Once someone gets to know you I would find it hard to believe they think you are anything, but sweet, compassionate, and extremely giving. It does take two to keep a marriage exciting, working, and successful. With that said, you can't blame yourself for why it fell a part. Yes, you may have made mistakes, but you are human. People are known to let stress get the best of them, and it causes them to snap at those they love or pick meaningless fights they later regret. It happens. I wasn't in your marriage so I don't know everything, but as your friend I know you worked at being a great wife from what I did see. You may not have been perfect, but no one is. It took TWO people to make the marriage work. Don't blame yourself for more than your share. Sure, want to say that you nagging, or whatever was partially to blame; fine. However, you are not a large reason it fell a part. Ryan's heart/mind would be a large reason. After every thing you STILL want to work at the marriage, you STILL love him with your entire being, and you STILL offer him the support of a friend. You are a large reason this marriage has lasted. His changing feelings are what caused this to change for you both. It happens. Plenty of people as they grow up change. Unfortunately (to no ones fault) those that don't grow up/mature together grow a part. Though you may have felt as if you were growing together, in his heart/mind things were drifting a part. It sucks, really, really, sucks, but it happens. I hate that it is happening to you both, but I really can't stand knowing you blame yourself for so much. Please know you are an amazing woman. Ryan was a lucky guy to have you for the 8 years he has as his wife, and the next person you find will be just as lucky (maybe even more so because you'll mature more from this experience).
ReplyDeleteI love you a lot. I hope this comment isn't too forward, and out of bounds. Adam and I are here for you always though. Good or bad, we are here!