2015

I've neglected this blog for far too long. Not for a lack of things to make entries about, but because I was so busy spending every minute with someone who means the world to me. I was also making up for a lot of lost time with family and friends.

You see, over the course of my marriage (8 years), I somehow managed to lose myself. I hated myself, had little self-worth, had no dreams, had no career, had nothing to be proud of. I was a wife. That's it. I believed if I didn't have "him", I had/was nothing. He didn't exactly do anything to make me feel otherwise, either. When we moved back here in 2010, he didn't work much, and I picked up the slack. I left a job I was extremely comfortable in to try to move us further in life by starting a better paying job. I did well, ended up being brought on permanently, and I was excited. Looking back, he never really shared in my excitements with me, as there was always something we STILL couldn't afford to him. No matter what it wasn't enough, and after we bought a house together, apparently I was no longer enough, either. Whatever. I blamed myself for everything, and he let me. I told myself I could have gotten a better job, made more money, gotten him a better car, found him a better job, worried less, done more...I kept on this way, beating myself up in the end until it was just a ridiculous ocean of self-hatred and blame. That is, until the day I started talking to the cousin of a friend...

My friend Corie text me one night, and told me he had been talking to his cousin about me. He said he thought we'd be really good for each other, seeing as his cousin had been through a hurtful divorce, and I was in the midst of one myself. I told him the last thing I needed was to start talking to another younger guy; I was trying desperately to get away from one. He told me to just give him a try and if nothing else, I could make a new friend. I reluctantly agreed, giving him the green light to pass my phone number on to allow for texting. That night was the start of a beautiful thing.

In a matter of weeks, Shawn had me happier and more confident than I had been in a very long time. I was looking forward to waking up in the morning, and excited to hear my text alerts go off. He was a great friend to me, and by Valentine's Day, we made it official. We celebrated our first holiday as a couple (Easter), he helped me through a break-in at the house (we knew who did it but the police couldn't prove it), he helped me say a final goodbye to my beloved uncle, he supported me at my divorce hearing, and we ended up moving in together. Every single thing feels right with him. He understands me already, he builds me up, he celebrates my victories, he lets me lean on him when I need to, he takes care of me more than I think need, he sees a future with me and says it is long & bright. In response I take care of him, I'm there for him when he is happy & when he is sad, I celebrate any victory with him possible, I encourage him and I give him confidence. We make one hell of a team, and the relationship is still young. Most importantly, I love him so much. 

The love I have for him makes me question what I thought was love before. I think I cared for my ex, but it was more of a caregiver thing...Like, I was worried that if I didn't take care of him, that no one else would. This is a relationship between two mature, hard working adults who have life goals and are highly motivated. My family all think the world of him, for real this time. They said they would be much more critical this time around, but so far are completely happy with him. They thank him constantly for giving them "the real Nicole back". It's heartwarming, really!!

I will be meeting Shawn's parents soon, and I'm as nervous as I am excited. I look forward to the trip with him though, and hope all goes well!!!

Unwanted

Words hurt sometimes. Hearing the person you have been with for a good chunk of your life say that they don't want you anymore, is the kind of hurt you don't wish on your worst enemy. Knowing the love once shared is now totally one sided is a gigantic slap in the face.

Shocking to me was the amount of unexpected attention I got as soon as we went public with the news of the divorce. I had no idea that these guys saw me that way in the slightest. It felt good to know I was wanted. Now here we are, three months later... Those guys that all started poking around? All of them are nowhere to be found. What happened? What changed? Did I do something wrong?

As I lay here in bed alone, I am frustrated. Frustrated with the fact that our marriage is over, frustrated that he has most definitely moved on, frustrated that I am alone and feel like no one wants me. I am also ridiculously frustrated in the sexual sense. Not that everyone needs to know that, but it's my blog and I can write what I want. It's hard to go from at least once a day to absolutely nothing.

I don't know exactly what my point with all of this, but at any rate, I am tired of being alone and feeling unwanted. That is all.

Hurt

I woke up this morning with a heavy heart. A lot of things are catching up with me today, and I am having a hard time dealing with it all. I cried this morning with the overwhelming feeling of sadness. So much loss this year. There is a big loss ahead. Despite having a good job, friends & a family that loves me, I feel like I am a failure. I work long hours, tons of overtime, and have nothing really to show for it.

I live in a beautiful house, but I struggle to pay bills. I love my husband with every fiber of my being, but the feelings are no longer mutual. I spent the past 8 years trying so hard to be the perfect wife, that I don't even know who I am anymore. I am very good at making people happy. I have become dependant on feeling needed, on feeling wanted.

I have lost a considerable amount of weight, whether it be due to stress or not eating enough. I originally thought my new found confidence was my smaller size, but I think the attention I have been getting lately is what I enjoy. A feeling of being wanted and desired. Knowing I am thought about, wanted... I don't know... It isn't that Ryan doesn't want me in that way, I just know that will be coming to an end when he leaves.  With everything falling apart, I am terrified of being alone. Sleeping alone makes me sad. I know Captain is still there, but it isn't the same.

I know I need to move on. I have been trying really hard lately to care less about how many girls Ryan talks to on a daily basis. It has been working for the most part, but it still hurts. It hurts to know that despite my best efforts, I am not enough. I am not new & exciting. I could list all the things I'm not, but there isn't enough time in a day for that. I am not perfect, no matter how hard I have tried. I make mistakes, bad decisions, pick fights I don't really need to, I care too much & I love too hard. I probably am a large part of where the marriage went wrong, but I guess I will never really know.

All I want is happiness for us both. If he cannot be happy as my husband, I wish him happiness in whatever it is that WOULD make him happiest. I can work on figuring out how to be happy without him later. I am sure my amazing family & equally amazing friends can help me on my own journey...

Clusterfuck

My thoughts are racing. My head is spinning and pounding. Most of my time is spent searching for answers where there are none to find. I am getting better at removing myself from situations emotionally. I wish to find peace, yet I am constantly full of turmoil. I am usually pretty good at keeping my tears at bay, but some nights I find comfort in the feeling of them streaming down my face, washing any pain away with them.

I hate feeling weak. I hate feeling like my whole world is ending. I am dreading Thursday. I have no idea what the day will bring. I hope to have some happiness and to enjoy my day off. I guess we will just have to see...