I used to think that blogging was really for other people to read & comment on. I understand now that it's less about other people, and more about the blogger. Blogging can be therapeutic, it can share information, etc. I know I've said before i'll do it more, but I think I really will this time. I don't really care if people see this anymore; it's about me getting out my thoughts in the best way that I know how; writing.
It's been like a year an a half since I've been on here, and so much has happened. I'm still loving life with Shawn. He is my king, and I am his queen. To be treated with such respect and admiration is amazing. I have a healthy self-worth, and am a better partner in return because of it. We managed to refinance the house, and both of our names are on the mortgage now. It feels good to know our hard work has paid off!! I took on a new role at work in August of '15, and got promoted to a senior on my team by May of '16. It was a great accomplishment,! Although the job can be emotionally draining, I'm helping people daily and that feels great.
We very recently learned that Captain has developed a heart murmur. Not a major one, but still...At 11 1/2, that is scary. The vet gave a referral to a cardiologist in Portland, but I do not think we will be taking him. The only reason to go would be to see if they would clear him for a surgery to drain the hematoma he developed this week, to prevent cauliflower ear. Given his age and the fact that it's cosmetic in nature, I don't think we'll be taking him. Like I told Shawn, if we go through with the cardiologist and they run tests but can't clear him for surgery, it's basically a waste of money. Not to mention that would be a super long car ride for a consultation. Captain has been on far longer rides, but he was also less than half the age he is now. I don't want to put him through all of that. He's adorable with his floppy ear right now, and it's not hurting him. Hopefully the meds work sooner rather than later, and the ear goes down shortly.
I'm slowly but surely turning Shawn's cat into a dog. Hahaha. She comes when I call her, greets me when I come home, and "talks" to me when I speak to her. It's actually pretty funny. Lol...Never thought I would like a cat so much again since I'm scared of them :)
Ok, I think that's good for now. I will post more another day, as WoW is calling me. Some things never change ;)
Saturday, June 3, 2017
Saturday, October 3, 2015
Fall-ing in love with Autumn
I can't believe Autumn is already upon us!! This is actually my favorite time of year. I love hot apple cider, cool nights, crisp mornings, wearing hoodies, baking goodies and crock pot/casserole cooking!! I can't wait to go apple picking and turn our findings into delicious goodies...It goes without saying that an increase in gym trips is in order, to make up for all the comfort food I'll be consuming until Spring, hahaha...
October is shaping up to be an exciting month; name change hearing, fairs, woodsman comp, my sister's birthday, Halloween, apple picking...Ugh, SO much to look forward to and be happy about! Not only that, but finally getting serious about the house refinance and such...I'll be glad when that part is over at least, not even gonna lie...It will be SO nice when it's done though!!
October is shaping up to be an exciting month; name change hearing, fairs, woodsman comp, my sister's birthday, Halloween, apple picking...Ugh, SO much to look forward to and be happy about! Not only that, but finally getting serious about the house refinance and such...I'll be glad when that part is over at least, not even gonna lie...It will be SO nice when it's done though!!
Thursday, May 14, 2015
Ink therapy
I understand that tattoos are not for everyone. Whether you think they are trashy, a waste of money, etc, that's you're opinion and you are entitled to that. For me, it's the only thing you buy that you actually keep forever & that follows you to the grave. Some people might get tattoos just for the sake of doing it, but every piece of work I have has a specific meaning to it. Allow me to elaborate...
The very first tattoo I got was when I was 18. I went to Hobo's in Portsmouth with my best friend & her fiancee (at the time...Turned out to be a wicked loser), and we both picked out designs. She got a flower tattoo on her lower back, and I got a single pink star in the same location. Pink is my favorite color, and my favorite shape is the star. Both are things I shouldn't randomly ever hate. After watching her scream, jump & nearly tap out of her tattoo, I was insanely nervous when it was my turn. I held my breath when the tattoo gun started, but that was it. It wasn't painful really at all, and the end result let me with something cute that I really liked. I actually ended up going back to Hobo's a short time later with another friend and I got two more pink stars; one on either side of the first. I like looking at the stars at night to relax, so why not slap a couple more on myself??
My next tattoo was a long time after my first two tattoo appointments. In 2008, one of my grandfathers (who typically never got sick) came down with what seemed to be a never-ending cold. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and began treatment immediately. He also had the early stages of liver cancer, but the real problem was the pancreatic cancer. Within the span of six months, he was diagnosed, treated and ultimately passed away from his pancreatic cancer. It all seemed to come out of nowhere, and was extremely upsetting. Much like the majority of my mom's immediate family, we stayed in the hospital with him 24/7. I watched him take his last breath, and I will never forget that. I wanted to honor him and have a visible, lasting reminder of him. What better way than with a tattoo?!? I made an appointment at Hobo's, and got it done less than a month after his passing. Fun fact, my grandmother on my mom's side hates tattoos with a passion. Well, when I showed her what I had done, she broke down in tears and told me that she loved it. We cried together, and decided that my grandfather would have loved it as well.
Another loss in '08 that I wanted to use as tattoo inspiration came with the sudden passing of my first dog. She was like a child to me, and I was extremely heartbroken when my father told me he had to have her put to sleep. I never even got to say goodbye, other than the snuggles I got in before work that morning. I wanted something special, so I made an appointment at Hobo's with their new tattoo artist. He did an amazing job, and it was his first time doing a portrait! I love the end result, and my only regret is that I didn't have it placed in a spot that I could see it more often.
I was unable to save up for new ink until a few years later. Out of the blue, I came up with an idea that I completely fell in love with. My grandmother had made a comment to me at the Christmas after my grandfather had passed, that shattered my heart into a million tiny pieces. I was bummed that I was without my (then) husband on Christmas, on top of it being the first Christmas without my grandfather. I sat on the couch next to my grandmother, and she said to me, "At least you only have to wait a few weeks to be back with the one you love. I have to die to see mine again..." Feeling my eyes sting with tears, I went out to the car and cried for a bit. I felt bad that she was hurting so bad, and the one person who could make it all better was no longer with us. It was then that I decided to at least let them live on together on my body.
My grandmother, for as long as I can remember, gave me stargazer lilies from her garden for my birthday. They were huge, pink and smelled great. It also just-so-happened that they bloomed on my actual birthday. So, to represent my grandmother and her forever gift to me, I went to MaineLine Ink and got an amazing stargazer lily tattooed below the pancreatic cancer ribbon I had done year before for my grandfather's passing. Pictures do the tattoo no justice. It has been commented as being beautiful, tasteful and classy, to name just a few things I have been told. I showed my grandmother, and explained the meaning to her. She told me it "wasn't fair" because I got it for such a beautiful reason, that she couldn't even begin to hate it. I like to consider that a decent victory!
I didn't get a tattoo for quite a while after that. A lot of things changed in my life. Good things in the beginning, then bad, then worse, and then even worse still. I was pushed to my limit mentally, morally, emotionally, financially and even physically. The bright spot for me came when I met Shawn. Parts of my previously known world still seemed to be falling apart around me, but I started to care less about it. Shawn was my best friend, my rock, my constant. When we met, it was obvious to me that I needed to spend more time with him, and get to know him better. We both fell hard & fast, and made it official on Valentine's Day. We haven't looked back! I started getting really wanting a tattoo to capture how crazy things were & how level I stayed throughout all of it. I wanted something simple, but not overdone. I already knew I wanted to go back to MaineLine (they are for sure the only place I care to get tattoos now), I just needed to make up my damn mind! I searched and searched, and still wasn't sure what I wanted to do. I had originally had a tattoo idea when I was going through the divorce, but when things got really bad with the ex, I knew I could no longer go through with the original plan. I wanted something that reminded me of the struggles, but nothing that immediately made me think of the ex. I was Googling with little luck, when I came across the meaning of wave tattoos. It was as follows, "A wave tattoo represents great, humongous strength that remains calm & composed until it is provoked to react. It is a classic representation of inner strength & outer peace." It was absolutely perfect, and I was sold! It just so happened that the newer artist at MaineLine had JUST done a watercolor style tattoo, and that was the style I had decided on. I sent her a message and a rough idea of what I was looking for, and she translated that into a watercolor tattoo for me. I approved the design and got inked that weekend.
This is by far the most emotional tattoo for me. Despite the lies, cheating, stealing, mind games, the terrifying few weeks when strangers from the psych ward were moved into my house, the uncertainty of how all the bills would be covered, the emotional abuse, etc, I stayed as calm as possible. The only time I really lost my cool was during a text fight after the divorce was final. I was told I "never did anything to save the marriage", which was the biggest crock of shit I had ever heard. I let it all out, and became an emotional mess. After that, I regained my composure, apologized to Shawn for the meltdown, and went on with my life. The wave tattoo symbolism could not be any more perfect! I can't help but stare at it, and be proud of where I am and how far I have come. Once again, I can't wait to see what the future holds :)
The very first tattoo I got was when I was 18. I went to Hobo's in Portsmouth with my best friend & her fiancee (at the time...Turned out to be a wicked loser), and we both picked out designs. She got a flower tattoo on her lower back, and I got a single pink star in the same location. Pink is my favorite color, and my favorite shape is the star. Both are things I shouldn't randomly ever hate. After watching her scream, jump & nearly tap out of her tattoo, I was insanely nervous when it was my turn. I held my breath when the tattoo gun started, but that was it. It wasn't painful really at all, and the end result let me with something cute that I really liked. I actually ended up going back to Hobo's a short time later with another friend and I got two more pink stars; one on either side of the first. I like looking at the stars at night to relax, so why not slap a couple more on myself??
My next tattoo was a long time after my first two tattoo appointments. In 2008, one of my grandfathers (who typically never got sick) came down with what seemed to be a never-ending cold. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and began treatment immediately. He also had the early stages of liver cancer, but the real problem was the pancreatic cancer. Within the span of six months, he was diagnosed, treated and ultimately passed away from his pancreatic cancer. It all seemed to come out of nowhere, and was extremely upsetting. Much like the majority of my mom's immediate family, we stayed in the hospital with him 24/7. I watched him take his last breath, and I will never forget that. I wanted to honor him and have a visible, lasting reminder of him. What better way than with a tattoo?!? I made an appointment at Hobo's, and got it done less than a month after his passing. Fun fact, my grandmother on my mom's side hates tattoos with a passion. Well, when I showed her what I had done, she broke down in tears and told me that she loved it. We cried together, and decided that my grandfather would have loved it as well.
Another loss in '08 that I wanted to use as tattoo inspiration came with the sudden passing of my first dog. She was like a child to me, and I was extremely heartbroken when my father told me he had to have her put to sleep. I never even got to say goodbye, other than the snuggles I got in before work that morning. I wanted something special, so I made an appointment at Hobo's with their new tattoo artist. He did an amazing job, and it was his first time doing a portrait! I love the end result, and my only regret is that I didn't have it placed in a spot that I could see it more often.
I was unable to save up for new ink until a few years later. Out of the blue, I came up with an idea that I completely fell in love with. My grandmother had made a comment to me at the Christmas after my grandfather had passed, that shattered my heart into a million tiny pieces. I was bummed that I was without my (then) husband on Christmas, on top of it being the first Christmas without my grandfather. I sat on the couch next to my grandmother, and she said to me, "At least you only have to wait a few weeks to be back with the one you love. I have to die to see mine again..." Feeling my eyes sting with tears, I went out to the car and cried for a bit. I felt bad that she was hurting so bad, and the one person who could make it all better was no longer with us. It was then that I decided to at least let them live on together on my body.
My grandmother, for as long as I can remember, gave me stargazer lilies from her garden for my birthday. They were huge, pink and smelled great. It also just-so-happened that they bloomed on my actual birthday. So, to represent my grandmother and her forever gift to me, I went to MaineLine Ink and got an amazing stargazer lily tattooed below the pancreatic cancer ribbon I had done year before for my grandfather's passing. Pictures do the tattoo no justice. It has been commented as being beautiful, tasteful and classy, to name just a few things I have been told. I showed my grandmother, and explained the meaning to her. She told me it "wasn't fair" because I got it for such a beautiful reason, that she couldn't even begin to hate it. I like to consider that a decent victory!
I didn't get a tattoo for quite a while after that. A lot of things changed in my life. Good things in the beginning, then bad, then worse, and then even worse still. I was pushed to my limit mentally, morally, emotionally, financially and even physically. The bright spot for me came when I met Shawn. Parts of my previously known world still seemed to be falling apart around me, but I started to care less about it. Shawn was my best friend, my rock, my constant. When we met, it was obvious to me that I needed to spend more time with him, and get to know him better. We both fell hard & fast, and made it official on Valentine's Day. We haven't looked back! I started getting really wanting a tattoo to capture how crazy things were & how level I stayed throughout all of it. I wanted something simple, but not overdone. I already knew I wanted to go back to MaineLine (they are for sure the only place I care to get tattoos now), I just needed to make up my damn mind! I searched and searched, and still wasn't sure what I wanted to do. I had originally had a tattoo idea when I was going through the divorce, but when things got really bad with the ex, I knew I could no longer go through with the original plan. I wanted something that reminded me of the struggles, but nothing that immediately made me think of the ex. I was Googling with little luck, when I came across the meaning of wave tattoos. It was as follows, "A wave tattoo represents great, humongous strength that remains calm & composed until it is provoked to react. It is a classic representation of inner strength & outer peace." It was absolutely perfect, and I was sold! It just so happened that the newer artist at MaineLine had JUST done a watercolor style tattoo, and that was the style I had decided on. I sent her a message and a rough idea of what I was looking for, and she translated that into a watercolor tattoo for me. I approved the design and got inked that weekend.
This is by far the most emotional tattoo for me. Despite the lies, cheating, stealing, mind games, the terrifying few weeks when strangers from the psych ward were moved into my house, the uncertainty of how all the bills would be covered, the emotional abuse, etc, I stayed as calm as possible. The only time I really lost my cool was during a text fight after the divorce was final. I was told I "never did anything to save the marriage", which was the biggest crock of shit I had ever heard. I let it all out, and became an emotional mess. After that, I regained my composure, apologized to Shawn for the meltdown, and went on with my life. The wave tattoo symbolism could not be any more perfect! I can't help but stare at it, and be proud of where I am and how far I have come. Once again, I can't wait to see what the future holds :)
Thursday, April 30, 2015
Spring is coming...
The ridiculous winter appears to be over, finally! I didn't think it would ever end...The cold temps were bad enough, but the continuous stream of snow storms producing significant snowfall was just too much. We got over 3 feet in ONE storm! I'm happy that all the snow on the property is finally gone, as of 2 weeks ago. I can't wait for the grass to get more green, the trees to bloom, and the flowers to start sprouting. Such a great time of year!! I also can't wait for us to take down some trees! It will look so much better :)
The daunting task of trying to refinance, or at least formulate a plan of attack for it, is currently underway. Very, very stressful! I really hope it can work out, because I absolutely do not want to sell our home! We still have a list of projects to do starting shortly, so that will be a good way to keep our minds off of the refinance for a bit. We are very eager to make the house our own, and really make it reflect our personalities. The master bedroom makeover was the first project, and it came out amazing! If that is any indication as to how the rest of our changes go, this place is going to be perfect in no time.
Soon I will be filing the papers & paying the fee necessary to change my name back to my maiden one. I absolutely cannot wait, and either can Shawn. I never thought not having my maiden name again would bother me, but I have come to HATE it. Hopefully it is a quick & painless process!
The daunting task of trying to refinance, or at least formulate a plan of attack for it, is currently underway. Very, very stressful! I really hope it can work out, because I absolutely do not want to sell our home! We still have a list of projects to do starting shortly, so that will be a good way to keep our minds off of the refinance for a bit. We are very eager to make the house our own, and really make it reflect our personalities. The master bedroom makeover was the first project, and it came out amazing! If that is any indication as to how the rest of our changes go, this place is going to be perfect in no time.
Soon I will be filing the papers & paying the fee necessary to change my name back to my maiden one. I absolutely cannot wait, and either can Shawn. I never thought not having my maiden name again would bother me, but I have come to HATE it. Hopefully it is a quick & painless process!
Monday, January 26, 2015
2015
I've neglected this blog for far too long. Not for a lack of things to make entries about, but because I was so busy spending every minute with someone who means the world to me. I was also making up for a lot of lost time with family and friends.
You see, over the course of my marriage (8 years), I somehow managed to lose myself. I hated myself, had little self-worth, had no dreams, had no career, had nothing to be proud of. I was a wife. That's it. I believed if I didn't have "him", I had/was nothing. He didn't exactly do anything to make me feel otherwise, either. When we moved back here in 2010, he didn't work much, and I picked up the slack. I left a job I was extremely comfortable in to try to move us further in life by starting a better paying job. I did well, ended up being brought on permanently, and I was excited. Looking back, he never really shared in my excitements with me, as there was always something we STILL couldn't afford to him. No matter what it wasn't enough, and after we bought a house together, apparently I was no longer enough, either. Whatever. I blamed myself for everything, and he let me. I told myself I could have gotten a better job, made more money, gotten him a better car, found him a better job, worried less, done more...I kept on this way, beating myself up in the end until it was just a ridiculous ocean of self-hatred and blame. That is, until the day I started talking to the cousin of a friend...
My friend Corie text me one night, and told me he had been talking to his cousin about me. He said he thought we'd be really good for each other, seeing as his cousin had been through a hurtful divorce, and I was in the midst of one myself. I told him the last thing I needed was to start talking to another younger guy; I was trying desperately to get away from one. He told me to just give him a try and if nothing else, I could make a new friend. I reluctantly agreed, giving him the green light to pass my phone number on to allow for texting. That night was the start of a beautiful thing.
In a matter of weeks, Shawn had me happier and more confident than I had been in a very long time. I was looking forward to waking up in the morning, and excited to hear my text alerts go off. He was a great friend to me, and by Valentine's Day, we made it official. We celebrated our first holiday as a couple (Easter), he helped me through a break-in at the house (we knew who did it but the police couldn't prove it), he helped me say a final goodbye to my beloved uncle, he supported me at my divorce hearing, and we ended up moving in together. Every single thing feels right with him. He understands me already, he builds me up, he celebrates my victories, he lets me lean on him when I need to, he takes care of me more than I think need, he sees a future with me and says it is long & bright. In response I take care of him, I'm there for him when he is happy & when he is sad, I celebrate any victory with him possible, I encourage him and I give him confidence. We make one hell of a team, and the relationship is still young. Most importantly, I love him so much.
The love I have for him makes me question what I thought was love before. I think I cared for my ex, but it was more of a caregiver thing...Like, I was worried that if I didn't take care of him, that no one else would. This is a relationship between two mature, hard working adults who have life goals and are highly motivated. My family all think the world of him, for real this time. They said they would be much more critical this time around, but so far are completely happy with him. They thank him constantly for giving them "the real Nicole back". It's heartwarming, really!!
I will be meeting Shawn's parents soon, and I'm as nervous as I am excited. I look forward to the trip with him though, and hope all goes well!!!
You see, over the course of my marriage (8 years), I somehow managed to lose myself. I hated myself, had little self-worth, had no dreams, had no career, had nothing to be proud of. I was a wife. That's it. I believed if I didn't have "him", I had/was nothing. He didn't exactly do anything to make me feel otherwise, either. When we moved back here in 2010, he didn't work much, and I picked up the slack. I left a job I was extremely comfortable in to try to move us further in life by starting a better paying job. I did well, ended up being brought on permanently, and I was excited. Looking back, he never really shared in my excitements with me, as there was always something we STILL couldn't afford to him. No matter what it wasn't enough, and after we bought a house together, apparently I was no longer enough, either. Whatever. I blamed myself for everything, and he let me. I told myself I could have gotten a better job, made more money, gotten him a better car, found him a better job, worried less, done more...I kept on this way, beating myself up in the end until it was just a ridiculous ocean of self-hatred and blame. That is, until the day I started talking to the cousin of a friend...
My friend Corie text me one night, and told me he had been talking to his cousin about me. He said he thought we'd be really good for each other, seeing as his cousin had been through a hurtful divorce, and I was in the midst of one myself. I told him the last thing I needed was to start talking to another younger guy; I was trying desperately to get away from one. He told me to just give him a try and if nothing else, I could make a new friend. I reluctantly agreed, giving him the green light to pass my phone number on to allow for texting. That night was the start of a beautiful thing.
In a matter of weeks, Shawn had me happier and more confident than I had been in a very long time. I was looking forward to waking up in the morning, and excited to hear my text alerts go off. He was a great friend to me, and by Valentine's Day, we made it official. We celebrated our first holiday as a couple (Easter), he helped me through a break-in at the house (we knew who did it but the police couldn't prove it), he helped me say a final goodbye to my beloved uncle, he supported me at my divorce hearing, and we ended up moving in together. Every single thing feels right with him. He understands me already, he builds me up, he celebrates my victories, he lets me lean on him when I need to, he takes care of me more than I think need, he sees a future with me and says it is long & bright. In response I take care of him, I'm there for him when he is happy & when he is sad, I celebrate any victory with him possible, I encourage him and I give him confidence. We make one hell of a team, and the relationship is still young. Most importantly, I love him so much.
The love I have for him makes me question what I thought was love before. I think I cared for my ex, but it was more of a caregiver thing...Like, I was worried that if I didn't take care of him, that no one else would. This is a relationship between two mature, hard working adults who have life goals and are highly motivated. My family all think the world of him, for real this time. They said they would be much more critical this time around, but so far are completely happy with him. They thank him constantly for giving them "the real Nicole back". It's heartwarming, really!!
I will be meeting Shawn's parents soon, and I'm as nervous as I am excited. I look forward to the trip with him though, and hope all goes well!!!
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Unwanted
Words hurt sometimes. Hearing the person you have been with for a good chunk of your life say that they don't want you anymore, is the kind of hurt you don't wish on your worst enemy. Knowing the love once shared is now totally one sided is a gigantic slap in the face.
Shocking to me was the amount of unexpected attention I got as soon as we went public with the news of the divorce. I had no idea that these guys saw me that way in the slightest. It felt good to know I was wanted. Now here we are, three months later... Those guys that all started poking around? All of them are nowhere to be found. What happened? What changed? Did I do something wrong?
As I lay here in bed alone, I am frustrated. Frustrated with the fact that our marriage is over, frustrated that he has most definitely moved on, frustrated that I am alone and feel like no one wants me. I am also ridiculously frustrated in the sexual sense. Not that everyone needs to know that, but it's my blog and I can write what I want. It's hard to go from at least once a day to absolutely nothing.
I don't know exactly what my point with all of this, but at any rate, I am tired of being alone and feeling unwanted. That is all.
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Hurt
I woke up this morning with a heavy heart. A lot of things are catching up with me today, and I am having a hard time dealing with it all. I cried this morning with the overwhelming feeling of sadness. So much loss this year. There is a big loss ahead. Despite having a good job, friends & a family that loves me, I feel like I am a failure. I work long hours, tons of overtime, and have nothing really to show for it.
I live in a beautiful house, but I struggle to pay bills. I love my husband with every fiber of my being, but the feelings are no longer mutual. I spent the past 8 years trying so hard to be the perfect wife, that I don't even know who I am anymore. I am very good at making people happy. I have become dependant on feeling needed, on feeling wanted.
I have lost a considerable amount of weight, whether it be due to stress or not eating enough. I originally thought my new found confidence was my smaller size, but I think the attention I have been getting lately is what I enjoy. A feeling of being wanted and desired. Knowing I am thought about, wanted... I don't know... It isn't that Ryan doesn't want me in that way, I just know that will be coming to an end when he leaves. With everything falling apart, I am terrified of being alone. Sleeping alone makes me sad. I know Captain is still there, but it isn't the same.
I know I need to move on. I have been trying really hard lately to care less about how many girls Ryan talks to on a daily basis. It has been working for the most part, but it still hurts. It hurts to know that despite my best efforts, I am not enough. I am not new & exciting. I could list all the things I'm not, but there isn't enough time in a day for that. I am not perfect, no matter how hard I have tried. I make mistakes, bad decisions, pick fights I don't really need to, I care too much & I love too hard. I probably am a large part of where the marriage went wrong, but I guess I will never really know.
All I want is happiness for us both. If he cannot be happy as my husband, I wish him happiness in whatever it is that WOULD make him happiest. I can work on figuring out how to be happy without him later. I am sure my amazing family & equally amazing friends can help me on my own journey...
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